I’ve been married for over 70 years. I’ve seen friends marry, divorce, remarry, and outlive their spouses. I’ve watched the world change its ideas about love, commitment, and partnership. And I’ve come to some conclusions that might not sit well with everyone. But at 96, I’ve earned the right to say what I think.
Marriage Is Not About Happiness
We are told from a young age that marriage is meant to make us happy. But if you enter marriage expecting constant happiness, you will be disappointed. Marriage is not about being happy. It is about being known. It is about showing up on the days when happiness feels far away. Some of the most important moments of my marriage were not happy at all. They were hard. But they were real.
You Will Get Lonely
People think marriage is the cure for loneliness. It is not. You can be lying next to someone you love and still feel a deep, quiet loneliness. That is not a sign that your marriage is broken. It is a sign that you are human. The sooner you accept that your partner cannot fill every empty space inside you, the sooner you can stop expecting them to and start appreciating what they can offer.
Your Partner Will Disappoint You
Your partner will let you down. They will forget something important. They will say the wrong thing. They will not be the person you need them to be in a particular moment. And you will do the same to them. This is not a failure of love. It is a fact of living with another flawed human being. The secret is not to avoid disappointment, but to forgive it.
The Best Years Are Not the Early Years
Everyone talks about the excitement of young love. But for me, the best years of my marriage came later, after the children were grown, after careers settled, after we had been through enough together to know that we could survive almost anything. There is a deep, quiet comfort in growing old with someone. It does not make for exciting stories, but it makes for a good life.
Marriage Is Not for Everyone
This is the one that might make you the most uncomfortable. Not everyone should be married. Some people are happier alone. Some people are better alone. Pushing everyone toward marriage as the ultimate goal of life is a mistake. A good, full life can be lived without a spouse. I have seen it.
A Gentle Reminder
I do not say these things to discourage you from marriage. I say them to free you from the unrealistic expectations that so many of us carry. If you are married, treasure what you have, but do not expect it to be perfect. If you are not married, know that your life is not incomplete. The best relationships, whether with a partner or with yourself, are built on honesty, patience, and a willingness to be uncomfortable sometimes.
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